Some Brisbane Guy

The world is divided into two groups of people: the ones who care about grammar and spelling, and normal people. Sadly, I’m in the first group. I’m not a madman (except in the sack *growl*), but it grates on me whenever I read a sentence like:

I bought a kitten down from a tree its broken it’s leg in more then 3 places im definately sadder then one of those grammar nazi’s, whats your problem anyway freak’s? I’ll feed you capsicun!

No problem you say? WRONG! Read and weep you normal person with better things to care about:

1. The Apostrophe is the most common of all stuff-ups, based on my comprehensive guesswork. It’s really not a big deal, there are really only two rules and a single exception that I can think of:
   1. Put an apostrophe to replace missing letters if you were to use real actual words (eg. you’re (you are), don’t (do not), can’t (can not), isn’t (is not), aren’t (are not))
   2. Put an apostrophe when someone or something owns something else. Put it only after the owner of the thing. If the owner of the thing doesn’t have an “s” on the end, the “s” goes before the apostrophe! (eg. the puppy’s paws (a puppy owns some paws), woman’s thong (the woman owns the thong), women’s movement (note that the women own the movement, not the womens), the puppies’ mother (a bunch of puppies who own a mother).
   3. EXCEPTION! The word “its” doesn’t get an apostrophe when the “it” is the owner. Weird hey? But it’s because that would make “it’s” into a shortened “it is”, which DOES have an apostrophe. So if you’re using “it’s”, do you really mean “it is”? If not, ditch the apo’ like it ain’t no thang.

   So if it’s a plural (eg “you freaks”, “a million baboons”, “ten fat kids”), you DON’T need an apostrophe. EVER!

2. The then / than conundrum. OK I admit I don’t know how to solve this one; I don’t have any rules that will help you think through it logically like you can with apostrophes (except for “its” owning stuff…dammit). The only thing I can think of is that “than” ALWAYS means you’re comparing stuff (Better THAN Ezra, Bigger THAN Ben Hur, Larger THAN Life), so if you’re not comparing, you gotta use “then”.
3. Bought / brought. This one just takes a teensy bit of thinking. Bought is when you had to “buy” something, and brought is when you had to “bring” something. Therefore, you only “brought” it if you actually did “bring” it.
4. Definately. I’ve got nothing. “Definitely” is definitely spelled with “itely” not “ately”, just remember it. It never ate anything.
5. Capsicun. It’s capsicummmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! Errrrrrrr stop saying capsicunnnnnnnn oh lord it hurts! Capsicain is the chemical in chillis and peppers that stings your tongue, and is why you couldn’t see when the police sprayed pepper spray into your eyes.

So here’s our sentence from above, all fixed and readable:

I brought a kitten down from a tree, it’s broken its leg in more than three places. I’m definitely more sad than one of those grammar nazis, what’s your problem anyway freaks? I’ll feed you capsicum!

I fixed a couple of other tiny things that I won’t bother nitpicking here, if you can find them then you’re my hero no I really mean it email me with naked pictures of your nanna now, please.