Some Brisbane Guy

I was doing some very involved and important research on Jack Johnson, the
surfing “folk/surf-pop” musician. Little did I know, Jack had an illustrious
porn career back in his uni days!

Haha I laughed so hard at this; attached is the screenshot cause it’s not going
to last forever and I don’t really want to be found on Google for the keywords
within it, haha.

Anyway, until it gets taken down, enjoy Jack Johnson’s porn exploits here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Johnson_%28musician%29

My shiny, expensive (for a 17″) TFT is being a moron and going bright for about a second before turning off its backlight so I can’t see a thing. I think it’s under warranty…I hope it’s under warranty.

Anyway you don’t care about that, you care about finding out what to do when your Philips 17″ 107P monitor picture goes fuzzy, don’t you? This would probably apply to other monitors as well, and anyway you should definitely read this
FAQ called “How do I adjust the focus of my monitor?,” which I used and found inspiring and helpful. Yeah I said inspiring, I wasn’t going to try fixing the screen myself because I nearly killed myself messing about in the insides of a monitor once before.

Anyway, you don’t care about me nearly dying either, you want to know how to fix your blurry Philips 107P screen, don’t you? It’s really easy, you just need a philips head screwdriver.

So what you need to do is take off the plastic cover of ye olde Philips, by removing the screws marked in the pic below:

That pic is kind of unnecessary, basically just keep taking screws out until the plastic cover comes loose. If you take out more than 6, you’ve taken out too many, you fool.

Now all you have to do is use your trusty screwdriver to twiddle the internal focus knobs through the holes in the aluminium shielding, as indicated in the pic below.

I actually took off the aluminium shielding, but you don’t actually need to, I just had no idea what I was doing, and the FAQ linked above said that you may need to take it off, so I did. Now that I’m shining a light to show you the way, you won’t need to go through the pain that I endured. Good luck to you, old chap.

So basically the story is that you need to have the monitor turned on and plugged in to your computer, so you can stick your screwdriver in and twiddle the focus knobs. The top one seems to be the main one, but the middle knob seemed to me to be adjusting the edges of the screen a bit better. But I can’t say for sure what they do, so just twiddle until it looks right.

The bottom knob adjusts brightness or something, you will probably want to leave that one alone.

Good luck adjusting your fuzzy, blurry Philips screen. Don’t electrocute yourself, that would be moronic because you need to be living to be able to enjoy a sharp monitor. Dying is for quitters.

I was with my old pal (we’ll call her JB) at the Pig & Whistle in Brisbane’s Queen Street Mall the other day. They have a challenge on the bar which has a lemon floating in water in a jug. There’s a note that says if you can balance a coin on the lemon, you get a free drink. I’ve been there before and tried it and I had no hope — my money was in the bottom of the jug in two seconds.

Well, bloody JB balanced the coin straight up. I was in awe.

The sad part of the story is that we were just having coffees and not Long Island Iced Teas.

First, some definitions:

jackass:

fathead: a man who is a stupid incompetent fool

jack: male donkey

ass:

the fleshy part of the human body that you sit on; “he deserves a good kick in the butt”; “are you going to sit on your fanny and do nothing?”

a pompous fool

hardy and sure-footed animal smaller and with longer ears than the horse

arse:

buttocks: the fleshy part of the human body that you sit on; “he deserves a good kick in the butt”; “are you going to sit on your fanny and do nothing?”

anus: excretory opening at the end of the alimentary canal

Heaps of Australians since the release of Jackass: The Movie and Jackass Number Two somehow can’t determine how to correctly pronounce the word “jackass”.

Cobbers, I’m gonna to tell you right here — it rhymes with “bass” as in “sea bass”! OK? It’s ass like donkey, not arse like buttocks.

There’s no flamin’ thing as a “Jackarse“! A jackass is a male donkey. If the movie were made by Australians, English, South Africans or some other nation that doesn’t do dumb stuff like drop “and” from numbers (one hundred thirty two? wtf) or very important letters (aluminum pronounced “aloomernerm” is pointless), it would still be called “Jackass”, unless it was called “Dickhead”, which is actually more likely. It wouldn’t be called “Jackarse” because there’s no such thing.

So you bloody drongos, I say don’t bring yourselves down to the level of the Amurr’kins with their innernit and aloomernum. Just because they’ve lost the distinction between “ass” (a donkey) and “arse” (buttocks/anus) doesn’t mean we have to.

Australia has a rich tapestry of insults and vulgar slang, let’s keep it that way. Ass and arse are different, jackass doesn’t sound like “jackarse” so next time you’re tempted, do it right. Have some balls, digger! You can do it!

OK, I’m going to weigh in on the great toilet seat debate.

“Oh my god! Does he say ‘up’ or ‘down’?” I hear you ask eagerly. Well, wrong on both counts kid, you’re missing the damn point.

The point is, you should be closing the lid of the toilet after you drop your guts into it, ’cause when you flush, little particles of poo and wee get splashed around your den of solitude. So stop arguing about whether the stupid seat should be up or down and close the lid!

So this makes the whole seat debate just really dumb and boring. Complaining that somebody left the toilet seat up when you need it down (or vice versa, but who complains when people leave it down?) is just banal and ridiculous. Here’s why:

1. It takes, like, 1 second to reverse the situation. Do you really need to save that single second of your time?
2. What makes you and your needs more important than the other person’s?
3. You need to have something more important to care about. Oh, here’s something you can try to get started: think about the toilet roll instead. Is the paper over or under? Now you’re tackling some serious issues. Don’t overdo it!

Well that’s all I have to say on this waste-of-time non-issue, now you will be well equipped to deal with any toilet seat without wetting yourself about whether it’s up or down. Don’t forget, after you finish put the lid down and wash your hands.

I’ve changed the title of my blog from my name to “Hot Brisbane Guy”, because how cool would it be for my site to be in the search results for “hot brisbane guy?” It would be very cool.

A few people have asked what awesome blog template I’m using at the moment, looking at me through green eyes filled with barely cloaked jealousy, typing with nervous fingers quivering with envy.

The answer is basic 1.0 — “a totally stripped down and basic Wordpress theme.”

I was sick of having problems with different browsers, and like a plumber with leaky taps, an electrician with children who see in the dark or a mechanic who catches the bus to work, I just don’t care. And this theme is easy to read — big text, plenty of whitespace, full width of your browser so you control how wide it is. This theme is all about you.

The thing is, you should be using an RSS reader if you read more than one blog more than once. Stop going back to sites to try and see if they have updates, let software tell you that!

So I might do some impatient editing of the theme so the menu is at least in your first screenful instead of at the bottom of the page, and maybe change to a decent font, but not yet.

The world is divided into two groups of people: the ones who care about grammar and spelling, and normal people. Sadly, I’m in the first group. I’m not a madman (except in the sack *growl*), but it grates on me whenever I read a sentence like:

I bought a kitten down from a tree its broken it’s leg in more then 3 places im definately sadder then one of those grammar nazi’s, whats your problem anyway freak’s? I’ll feed you capsicun!

No problem you say? WRONG! Read and weep you normal person with better things to care about:

1. The Apostrophe is the most common of all stuff-ups, based on my comprehensive guesswork. It’s really not a big deal, there are really only two rules and a single exception that I can think of:
   1. Put an apostrophe to replace missing letters if you were to use real actual words (eg. you’re (you are), don’t (do not), can’t (can not), isn’t (is not), aren’t (are not))
   2. Put an apostrophe when someone or something owns something else. Put it only after the owner of the thing. If the owner of the thing doesn’t have an “s” on the end, the “s” goes before the apostrophe! (eg. the puppy’s paws (a puppy owns some paws), woman’s thong (the woman owns the thong), women’s movement (note that the women own the movement, not the womens), the puppies’ mother (a bunch of puppies who own a mother).
   3. EXCEPTION! The word “its” doesn’t get an apostrophe when the “it” is the owner. Weird hey? But it’s because that would make “it’s” into a shortened “it is”, which DOES have an apostrophe. So if you’re using “it’s”, do you really mean “it is”? If not, ditch the apo’ like it ain’t no thang.

   So if it’s a plural (eg “you freaks”, “a million baboons”, “ten fat kids”), you DON’T need an apostrophe. EVER!

2. The then / than conundrum. OK I admit I don’t know how to solve this one; I don’t have any rules that will help you think through it logically like you can with apostrophes (except for “its” owning stuff…dammit). The only thing I can think of is that “than” ALWAYS means you’re comparing stuff (Better THAN Ezra, Bigger THAN Ben Hur, Larger THAN Life), so if you’re not comparing, you gotta use “then”.
3. Bought / brought. This one just takes a teensy bit of thinking. Bought is when you had to “buy” something, and brought is when you had to “bring” something. Therefore, you only “brought” it if you actually did “bring” it.
4. Definately. I’ve got nothing. “Definitely” is definitely spelled with “itely” not “ately”, just remember it. It never ate anything.
5. Capsicun. It’s capsicummmmmmmmmmmmmm!!! Errrrrrrr stop saying capsicunnnnnnnn oh lord it hurts! Capsicain is the chemical in chillis and peppers that stings your tongue, and is why you couldn’t see when the police sprayed pepper spray into your eyes.

So here’s our sentence from above, all fixed and readable:

I brought a kitten down from a tree, it’s broken its leg in more than three places. I’m definitely more sad than one of those grammar nazis, what’s your problem anyway freaks? I’ll feed you capsicum!

I fixed a couple of other tiny things that I won’t bother nitpicking here, if you can find them then you’re my hero no I really mean it email me with naked pictures of your nanna now, please.